On a message board regarding mentoring, a businessman noticed what he considered to be a "paradox of coaching": that coaches and mentors seem to be most effective helping the already successful people "get better" or succeed even more, while those who are experiencing a crisis, a failure, or who truly need it the most probably can't afford high coaching fees. Is this truly a paradox?
I can't speak for all coaches out there, as there are many different coaching philosophies and flavors. But I can tell you what coaching is to me, who it helps and when it helps.
First of all, let's consider that "being successful" and "needing help" are both subjective phrases. Who needs "help", and what kind of help do they need? What does it mean to get better--is this to improve one's life and live one's dreams, or is it to recover from a health issue, a bad relationship, or a sudden, significant life change?
I believe that coaching is on the continuum of well-being and self-improvement. On one end is therapy, which is critical for resolving problems from the past in order to experience the present. On the other is coaching, which doesn't work when a pathology is present (e.g.: depression, alcoholism, abuse). Coaching works "from the future" so to speak, creating the life you want in the future right now in the present. It is clearly self-improvement. It is certainly striving for something better. It requires a willingness to study oneself critically and a readiness to change. But coaching is not necessarily "help" in the context of managing/surviving a crisis.
No doubt coaching can be quite expensive. But so can keeping the status quo. And there's probably nothing as expensive as merely surviving.
Sometimes it's helpful to consider the following questions:
- How much is the stress of your job costing you?
- How much income are you wasting by not achieving the promotion you desire / finding the right career right now?
- How much will you pay in healthcare and insurance for not being able to stay on track with healthy eating and fitness goals?
- How much money will you waste when your start-up business goes belly up?
These are just a few examples of questions that directly impact the bottom line. This is to say nothing of the other "costs" (emotional, physical, family, friends, etc.) associated with these issues.
There are many governmental programs, including therapy, job/career counseling, debt counseling, etc. available to those who make a few bad choices and wind up in serious financial crisis. Coaching does not replace these.
If you are satisfied with your life the way it is, coaching won't help. If you sense that there is more to the life that you are currently living, but you aren't sure what that looks like or how to get there, a coach might be a great partner.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
How can we teach young people to make good decisions?
Good decision-making is a skill that I consider critical to a happy/successful life. Here is a method I teach to my clients (and eventually to my own little people):
When faced with a moment of choice, ask yourself the following questions.
1. What would I choose according to my personal values (honesty/financial security/loyalty/compassion, etc.)?
2. What is my ultimate goal in this situation (be promoted, support another, expand my leadership, etc.)?
3. What am I committed to (quality family time, exceeding the project goal, meeting the timeline, better health, etc.)?
4. Imagine yourself 1/2/5/20 years from now. What choice will you make today that will move you toward where you want to be in the future?
Oh yeah, and here's the fun part: answering all of these questions thoughtfully before making your decision may not keep you from making a bad one. Indeed, so much of learning these life skills is experiential in nature. "Good" as a quality only exists in its comparison to other qualities like "bad," "better," or "best." It is both expected and required that we all make a few mistakes in order to learn to do things differently. Nonetheless, it seems to me that a decision made in alignment with one's personal values, commitments, goals and future vision will be perfect. And after that perfect choice will be opportunity for another choice, and yet another...
Finally, beneath all of this "how-to" advice on making decisions is one crucial element. As we make choices, we will certainly be judged by others. We'll make good choices, bad choices, and we'll avoid making choices, ignoring the issue with every hope that it will just go away (Of course, that is still making a choice.). The key to success, happiness, power, etc. is owning the choices we make. If you make the best decision, OWN IT. Take responsibility for it and celebrate yourself. Allow others to celebrate with you. When you make a bad decision, OWN IT. Take responsibility for it without looking to lay blame on circumstances or the actions of others. Look for what was missing, consider what your commitment is, and make a powerful choice next time.
In my mind, this philosophy of personal responsibility is one of the most significant gifts we can give to our young people. AND one of the most powerful.
When faced with a moment of choice, ask yourself the following questions.
1. What would I choose according to my personal values (honesty/financial security/loyalty/compassion, etc.)?
2. What is my ultimate goal in this situation (be promoted, support another, expand my leadership, etc.)?
3. What am I committed to (quality family time, exceeding the project goal, meeting the timeline, better health, etc.)?
4. Imagine yourself 1/2/5/20 years from now. What choice will you make today that will move you toward where you want to be in the future?
Oh yeah, and here's the fun part: answering all of these questions thoughtfully before making your decision may not keep you from making a bad one. Indeed, so much of learning these life skills is experiential in nature. "Good" as a quality only exists in its comparison to other qualities like "bad," "better," or "best." It is both expected and required that we all make a few mistakes in order to learn to do things differently. Nonetheless, it seems to me that a decision made in alignment with one's personal values, commitments, goals and future vision will be perfect. And after that perfect choice will be opportunity for another choice, and yet another...
Finally, beneath all of this "how-to" advice on making decisions is one crucial element. As we make choices, we will certainly be judged by others. We'll make good choices, bad choices, and we'll avoid making choices, ignoring the issue with every hope that it will just go away (Of course, that is still making a choice.). The key to success, happiness, power, etc. is owning the choices we make. If you make the best decision, OWN IT. Take responsibility for it and celebrate yourself. Allow others to celebrate with you. When you make a bad decision, OWN IT. Take responsibility for it without looking to lay blame on circumstances or the actions of others. Look for what was missing, consider what your commitment is, and make a powerful choice next time.
In my mind, this philosophy of personal responsibility is one of the most significant gifts we can give to our young people. AND one of the most powerful.
Monday, January 28, 2008
What is compassion?
Earlier today I was reading through some posts on a networking site I subscribe to, and one of the participants posted this question.
For me, compassion has two parts that make it whole. First is compassion for oneself. Can you make mistakes, fail miserably, really mess things up and take responsibility for it? There is no one to blame; you simply own what happens to you. At the same time, can you forgive yourself and allow your mistakes, your humanity, and accept these mistakes as part of a process of learning, growing, and living? If you have compassion for yourself, then you can have compassion for others. There is no need to judge others from a distance and from a feeling of superiority. You recognize that they, like you, make mistakes, mess up, fail on occasion as part of living their life. If we practice compassion for others, we allow ourselves to be related to others and accept them on their own terms, wherever they are at the moment.
I've noticed that when I find myself getting aggravated by the actions of others, or when I'm holding a grudge against someone for something that rubbed me the wrong way, it's always related to my being aggravated or angry with myself. This correlation always exists. When I have a moment of clarity and realize this, I ask myself what it is I'm really mad about. If I'm snapping at my kids for asking for a third afternoon snack in two hours, sometimes I realize that I'm angry about my own needs not being met. I lose my compassion for their needs because I can't allow myself my own. If I can forgive myself for my crankiness, I can forgive them for their sweet selfishness and all lack of reason :). If I can have compassion for my own selfishness, my own irrational thinking, the times I "lose it" and qualify for the Bad Parent of the Year Award, then I can forgive others and allow them their imperfections, no matter their age and level of maturity.
For me, compassion has two parts that make it whole. First is compassion for oneself. Can you make mistakes, fail miserably, really mess things up and take responsibility for it? There is no one to blame; you simply own what happens to you. At the same time, can you forgive yourself and allow your mistakes, your humanity, and accept these mistakes as part of a process of learning, growing, and living? If you have compassion for yourself, then you can have compassion for others. There is no need to judge others from a distance and from a feeling of superiority. You recognize that they, like you, make mistakes, mess up, fail on occasion as part of living their life. If we practice compassion for others, we allow ourselves to be related to others and accept them on their own terms, wherever they are at the moment.
I've noticed that when I find myself getting aggravated by the actions of others, or when I'm holding a grudge against someone for something that rubbed me the wrong way, it's always related to my being aggravated or angry with myself. This correlation always exists. When I have a moment of clarity and realize this, I ask myself what it is I'm really mad about. If I'm snapping at my kids for asking for a third afternoon snack in two hours, sometimes I realize that I'm angry about my own needs not being met. I lose my compassion for their needs because I can't allow myself my own. If I can forgive myself for my crankiness, I can forgive them for their sweet selfishness and all lack of reason :). If I can have compassion for my own selfishness, my own irrational thinking, the times I "lose it" and qualify for the Bad Parent of the Year Award, then I can forgive others and allow them their imperfections, no matter their age and level of maturity.
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